The calm after the storm

Yesterday marked the 1st year since the “anniversary cum breakup” happened. I can opt to keep mum about it, but because that’s how it is in showbizness (feelingera? haha!), I’ll spill. Haha! Nah, maybe I need to let this out after all those times I’ve been silent and today is the right time to put an end to everything. Well, technically, it’s over. And to tell you the truth, I am happier now. I guess he is, too. So let’s consider this post as the last hurrah to everything past. But don’t forget your handkerchief while reading this. This can be sent to MMK, but please remember that the copyrights are all mine! Haha!:D

I don’t usually talk about or write about the sad things that happen in my life, because I don’t want to remember them. And I have kept that principle with what happened last year. I didn’t keep track of the bad things that happened last year on my diary or even here on my blog, because I don’t want to share nega vibes to everyone (with the exception of those whom, I know, can handle such romantic tragedy. Hehe.) If you know me really well, you know that something is wrong when I’m silent. So for all the times I’ve been quiet, that just means I’m going through some rough patch. And I have already mended that rough patch so I’m talking about it now. Honestly, I had really a hard time fixing that broken part of myself. And as I have mentioned in this blog many times, I was depressed. I’ll spare you some of the details, but I’ll just share some experiences that I had of having my heart broken and moving on.

We broke up on our anniversary, March 27, 2010 due to a reason over other reasons. That just means the thing had built up. The breakup was the pinnacle of everything. We had reached our limit so it was time for us to part ways. We decided to discontinue the relationship, because it was not working anymore. He said “there’s a thin line between love and bondage.” So that just meant that I had to let go of him…the second time around. Maybe he thought that we’ve gone through many times and we’ve had so many chances already, but still, it seems that we couldn’t really have a smooth sailing relationship. But what I thought that night was the guy I have loved and have kept for a long time wanted to break free from me. So what else could I do, but to give him what he wanted instead of holding on and yet, make him unhappy. So that was it, I told him that we could have the choice to break up even though my heart was breaking. I know he had a hard time too, because I’ve seen how he cried hard while hugging me so tight. Everytime I remember that scene, I couldn’t help but cry, because I could still feel his agony. It wretched my heart to see him like that and I suddenly stopped crying, because he was crying louder than I was. We couldn’t do anything that night, but to cry over a tragic ending of a love affair, which supposed to be a perfectly blissful match of soulmates. But the circumstances and destiny think otherwise.

But it wasn’t too easy to accept and we, especially I, didn’t want to be unhappy that sunshiney summer. So I told him that maybe we should forget the pain for a while and just enjoy the summer, like we were supposed to do. So for two months that he was here in Manila during that fateful summer, we still did what we were supposed to do as a couple —dinners after work, arcade on Saturdays, church on Sundays, and others. We went out pretending nothing painful happened. But we couldn’t help it. There were moments when we would be silent and then remember everything and cry. We even cried a lot in public places. And it went on and on until his last days here in Manila.

I dreaded the very last day. I imagined it to be so heartbreaking that I would be numb in pain. And indeed, it was and it really felt that way. I was trying to distract myself so I sang “bye bye na, aalis ka na,” to which he added “bye bye na rin ba sa ating alaala?” while we were pushing his cart down the cue at the airport. I grew silent after that because those words said it all. And as he walked towards the departure area, I remained standing a few feet away from him. Before it was time for us to say our final goodbye, he gestured that I stay near him. But I shook my head, because I couldn’t move. I couldn’t stand the whole thing and I felt I would break into tears in a moment. So he just gestured that I smile before he leaves. I did, wryly. And as he turned his back on me, I said to myself “There goes my life!” (sad face) I stood there until I couldn’t see him anymore. I fought the tears really hard that were welling on the corners of my eyes. But when I reached home, I was crying as I was opening the door. I went to my bedroom, laid down, and cried some more.

The crying spells went on for months after that. And during that time, only God knows how long when I’ll stop. Office hours, intermittent hanging out with friends, Sunday service, and going home to Lucena were the only breaks I had from crying. I would stop for a while during times that I would realize that crying was no use anymore. And it only got me puffy panda eyes. But loneliness would still be there knocking, only to see my tears.

Come July and I remembered that I still had a plane ticket to his hometown. I bought it months before everything happened. It was supposed to be my birthday gift. I was supposed to surprise him on his birthday. But I was wary, because it was of no use to us anymore. Torn between going and staying put, I shared my confusion with his mom. His mom advised that I go on with the trip. And of course, soon after, he knew about the trip. He said, too, that I continue the plan. For another reason, he said he wanted to tell me something. I had this gut feel that he would say something that would break my heart again.

And when the plane soared to Puerto Princesa that August, my heart plummeted when he broke the news. My instinct was right. He found somebody new. My heart constricted and I was speechless. He went on talking about this new girl and all I could give him was a bitter smile. Everybody told me that it would be suicide to go to his place again, and they were right. I felt like I was stabbed, but the knife was on my own hand. I tried not to cause myself more wounds so I diverted the conversation. I told him that I brought him a Gundam model kit. We enjoyed setting up the robot that summer so I bought him another one as a birthday gift. I told him that I wanted us to put the pieces of the robot together. We assembled everything and did complete the parts. But no matter what we do, I knew, that my favorite part of my life—him—would never make me whole again. That missing piece was lost to me forever.

So I decided to find myself instead. I told him to let me go, alone at the beach the early morning of the day of my departure. At first, he didn’t give me his approval. He knew that it would lead to the other thing that I wanted him to give me—no communication from the day I go back to Manila and onwards. That was my bargain, because that was the right thing to do for us to move on. He just agreed after consulting his mom and realizing that nothing could change my mind.

So I went to that same beach we went to on my birthday when we were still together. But this time, I was all alone. When all the sweet memories that we had on that beach came tumbling down my head, I fought back the tears. I didn’t want to cry anymore. And it was all sunshiney so I just wanted to soak myself with the warmth and let it all in. I refused to think about anything. I just submerged myself on the cold ocean water, trying to wash away the pain. I just watched the clear sky, hoping that all my questions would be clarified. Like a little child, I spun around and played with the water. And I prayed to God to give me strength amidst all that was happening to me. I felt calm and happy that time. I even wrote a poem, describing my feelings:

At the Beach

She smiled at the blinding glare of the sun,
Beaming that she and the sea is one.
The sun kissed her skin and she felt warm
From the loving embrace of the ocean.

She danced with the waves, graceful and calm
Like waltz, gliding with the breeze’ soft hum.
She tousled and turned without a sound
Just the silent swoosh of the feelings unbound.

Then, she let her feet frolic in the sand
The tiny white grains tickled as she strides
Along the shore, she strolled and marched
While her heels and toes soaked in the ground.

Before she left, she looked up and smiled
Like the clouds, she felt free and light
Like the wind and the sea, she felt right
Because better days are now in sight.

 

I carried my sunny disposition even after I went back to Manila. Things went normal after that. I felt good. I forgot about everything and left it all behind. After all, I had already done so much, much more than I thought I could do. But happiness was hard to keep. It took continuous effort and hardwork. And there were moments when I found myself going through it again. Then, I would talk to him and tell him how happy we were  when we were together. We would talk about the happy times, but the conversation would always end with a pang of guilt and regret. Then, we would realize that it was over between us and he has already found someone else. And the jealousy, blame, and frustration would all come back. We would end up fighting all over again.

But that cycle has already tired me out. I can’t let myself go over it again and I don’t want to go back. I have gone through all the stages of mourning—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And I’m done with it. I refuse to put myself in a situation that I don’t want to be in. I want to live my life and I want him to live his own. We could still be there for each other though, but I want us to respect each other’s own space. The fight is over. And even if it was a lost battle, I hold my scars high with pride.  I learned a lot from everything that happened, not only with love but also with the battle of life. And I’ll keep these lessons in mind as I go on living this life. Now, that the storm has passed, all I can see is the warm sunshine outside my window. I can see my bright future ahead. I can see that life is so beautiful and I shouldn’t waste it.

He has already found someone to love again. And maybe mine is on its way (carrying sinigang for me. *wink wink* haha!)  Or maybe not. Haha! All I know is, if love is a choice, I choose to love myself even more. And I choose to be happier, because I deserve to be.