poems

 

“nagtatae ang ballpen ko at binabasa mo ang basurahan…” – bob ong

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Twilight Drama

 

The drizzle washed off the colors

And a faint light was left

Enough for a young man to see

His wet and muddy track

Where many cars and jeepneys raced

To bring home passengers

Who were tired battling with school work

And wanted to reach heaven

Where they could lay on their cushion,

Doze off after dinner.

 

The drizzle washed off the colors

And a faint light was left

‘Twas peeping behind the branches

Of an old acacia.

Under its misty canopy,

Lads flocked to grab a bite

Around manong’s hot gridiron

Where his famous street food,

Lit by a bright orange lamp light

For the poor juveniles.

 

The drizzle washed off the colors

And a faint light was left.

I could see my messy table

With piles of books on top.

I saw pictures of smiles and frowns,

Brought me to nostalgia

The smell of chicken adobo

Reminded me of her

And the clang of the utensils

In our humble abode.

 – July 27, 2006

 **********************

Sunken

 

The bright sun rays

Passing through my window

Are enticing me

To get out

Of the shell

I have been hiding

They are winning

My feet are now moving

Taking me there

Slow and hesitant

To that renowned place

 

In Bowl of Grass

A family of three

Is sitting down

A young lady

Is lying down

Teenagers are playing soccer

Kicking the ball

Here and there, all over

Two cute children

Are running around

Dancing with the breeze

 

The cool morning air

Is kissing my cheeks

The acacia tree

Is looking down

And wondering why

I am here

Looking at the sky

Wishing…

Waiting…

–  January 20, 2006

 ********************

Four Ways of Looking at a Clock

I

My heart leaps

As the clock ticks

My eyes sway

As its hands twirl

Every second

Step by step

From one to twelve

II

Five fingers lie

In between mine

I want to hold

The clock’s three hands

Along with his

And grip them tight

To make them one

III

At six o’clock

Two arrows point

Two different paths

And lovers go

On separate ways

The boy heads north

The girl down south

IV

The clock’s hands

Are moving

Beneath the snow

Under the rain

Against the tide

Howl of the wind

All day and night

I’m still counting

Every second

Every minute

Every hour

Everyday

– July 27, 2007

*********************

Time of love has lapsed

 

I am deafened by the whispers of love.

His lips have kissed away my frowns and smiles.

 The nightingales have not reached the notes above.

The poems I write have no rhythm and rhymes.

My red roses have not bloomed and have waned.

The fire has melt away my devotion,

And the ashes were blown by the strong wind.

Time has lapsed and my clock has stopped ticking.

 The church bells have stopped ringing in my head.

I’m still solitary while vanishing.

Nostalgia has lied me down in this bed.

I can’t breathe; it has strangled me to death.

– Aug 28, 2007

*********************

Tug-of-war

 

You moved away from me

And I needed to agree

You told me it was for my own good

I told you it was for us both

But I fell to the ground

Without you around

I wished you’d pick me up

But you didn’t even prop

So I forced myself to stand

On my own, so bland

I managed for sometime

But I did a stupid crime

I pulled you towards me

And held on foolishly

You pulled me back

Like we were still intact

But damn, I was so blind

You were just being kind

So I tried to let go

Like you always do

I walked away

And did not want to stay

 

Until I saw you

After months of being blue

 

Now, here we go again

I don’t know if I can

Still play this game

‘Cause it’s still the same

You push

I pull…

– Feb 4, 2008

*****************

Sound trip

 

When I cover my ears

I hear them:

 

The twang of the guitar

Cries pain

Its strings are my veins

Each plucking aches

 

The pounding of the drums

Smashes hope

The tremor whips

My heart shatters

 

The growl of the vocals

Screams anger

The words stab

I bleed

 

When I cover my ears

I hear them

The piercing sounds

Hush the voice that says:

“I love you”

 

– March 26, 2008

 *******************

 Luna

 

You’re a pearl amidst the ocean of clouds

That I try to possess with every plunge

But I am blinded by your silver glow

And your round face illuminates my soul.

As I bathe under your light, madness flows

Every tide of passion keeps me afloat

You shower me with mem’ries of the past

That I thought have long been sunk and awashed.

In the vastness of the sky, I am drowned

With reminiscence drifting in my mind

But you, my love, breathe new life to me so

Please don’t wane in the abyss of the dark.

– May 23, 2008

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TENSION OF OPPOSITES

I want to see you
     But I don’t want to look into your eyes

I want to listen to you
     But I don’t want to hear your voice

I want to talk to you
     But I don’t want to say anything

I want to remember you
     But I don’t want to think about you

I want to hold you tight
     But I don’t want to touch you

I want to be close to you
     But I don’t want to be near you

I want you
    But I don’t need you 

I love you
   BUT…

 

 

 

– July 26, 2008

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super!

Superman complex is an unhealthy sense of responsibility, or the belief that everyone else lacks the capacity to successfully perform any task. People suffering from this may feel a constant need to “save” others. They do not feel the need to ask for advice, have a know-it-all mentality, and are control freaks. They consider everybody else as incompetent and therefore, unable to perform tasks as effectively and efficiently as they can. These symptoms are in my personality and my diagnosis tells me that I have this psychological disorder.

In the past twenty one years, I have always felt that everybody depends on me – my family, friends, and loved ones. I have been trying hard to be a responsible daughter, reliable sister, loyal friend, and faithful lover. I thought that it is right to be in charge of everything, of myself, and of other people. I thought that it is okay to be like this until it dawned on me that it was not. As I introspect, I realize that something is wrong with me.

Based on my childhood memory, I used to study my lessons on my own. When I was in my early grades, I took Chinese lessons, because I attended a Chinese school. Since my family is not Chinese and no one in the house spoke Chinese, I learned Chinese by myself. My mother used to help me in my other subjects, but I remember that she stopped teaching me when I was in Grade 3. I thought that she let me be, because she was busy with work. I held on to this belief until I asked her recently why she stopped teaching me when I was in grade school. She said: “sabi mo kasi mali tinuturo ko eh.” The little braggart that I was told that to my poor mother. I do not remember telling that to her, but my mother does. And I know that her bighead daughter’s words had hurt her.

Maybe one of the reasons why my brother used to hate me when we were little is because I also bruised his ego. When we were kids, I used to fetch him in his school. One time, I found out that he was being bullied by a bunch of boys who called him “bakla.” Being his ‘ate,’ I thought that it is my duty to defend my brother from his enemies. I fought them, literally. I punched and kicked them until they stopped teasing my brother. I thought I helped him, but now I am thinking if I really did or I just made him feel that he was weak.

This disillusioned sense of duty transformed into “leadership” as I dealt with my own school matters. I often took the lead in group works and projects. And doing all the tasks even though it was supposed to be teamwork was not surprising for me. One time, I took control of a Science project and gave instructions to the members of the group. One member got annoyed and told me: “Bakit leader ka ba?” I was hurt by what he said and got mad. I shouted and told him that I was telling them what to do, because no one was doing something to get things done. I cried in front of everybody, walked out, and decided to finish the project without their help.

Even with my friends, I have the same attitude. I often do things for them, to the point that they become dependent. My boyfriend got angry with me because of I helped a friend with her thesis. Even though I argued that my friend contributed something, we (my friend included) could not deny the fact that I did most of the work. I thought that I was just being a reliable friend, but he told me that: “Helping is different from spoon feeding.” I was dumbstruck by what he said.

I realize even more that I have a suck up personality when my boyfriend got depressed. He spurted out angrily that he is sick and tired of people telling him what to do, including me. One of the causes of his outburst is when I told him that he should work in Manila after college. I thought I was being a supportive girlfriend, but obviously I was not. He took it negatively and felt that I was bossing him around. As a sign of surrender he told me: “Ok. Just tell me what to do.” Of course, I do not want him as my puppet so I just cried, realizing how (control) freak I am.

I decided to change myself when I read Bo Sanchez’ blog, ‘Stop trying to fix people.’ I have been trying hard to fix people, thinking that they cannot do it without me. I do not recognize that I am meddling with their affairs and disregarding their capability of improving themselves, even without my help. According to Bo, “You can never fix anyone. Because fixing is an inside job. Never forced from the outside.” What I should really do is just inspire, guide, teach, and create space for others to fix themselves. So…

Up, up, and away,  Superman!