And it goes…
Everybody’s laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading ’bout this other guy,
Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does he love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
’cause baby I didn’t!
Seeing the profile pic of his and her face on Facebook made you delete his posts on your Newsfeed. And then you realize it is their 5th monthsary already and it has been 8 months since you broke up. You hate yourself for being affected. You expected that he would post their pictures together sooner or later, but still it brought tears to your eyes. You got angry, thinking he did it on purpose. You thought he is making you jealous. Trying to hurt you even more. To tell you in the face that he is not yours anymore. And this gave you another reason to delete the remaining photos of you and him together. You thought of unfriending him, but you changed your mind. He would think you are bitter. He would think your EQ is unstable. And then, you hate yourself again. You still care about what he thinks about you, even if you know really well, that he does not give a damn on what shit you are in. Days later, everybody is posting comments. Then, you decided it was time to stop looking at his profile. You ignored his online existence. Only his online existence.
And then you analyzed their picture together. You looked at every angle of his and her face. You studied their body language. You construed that his eyes do not twinkle. You noticed that his head does not lean towards her that much. You interpreted that his lips do not curve into a genuine smile. You thought their picture is different from your pictures with him. But, of course, it is. And you brainstormed with yourself how he fell for the new girl. Maybe she was there after you broke up. Maybe she made him laugh when he was lonely. Maybe she gave him pieces of advice on how to get back on his feet again. Maybe he finds her prettier. Maybe he finds her smarter. Maybe he finds her more interesting. Maybe he finds her more challenging. A never-ending maybes. You stopped thinking until you concluded that maybe you were dumped for no reason at all. Abhorrent reactions from friends somehow console you. Their questions that range from “What happened?” to “Why her?” boost your self-esteem a little. At least, they care about you and your old flame.
That should be me,
Holdin’ your hand,
That should be me
Makin’ you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin’ your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin’ you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can’t go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me
Then, you remembered how you two looked when you were together. You managed to peek at the leftovers photos that you pretended to stash into storage. While looking how he snaked his arms around your waist and grinned like a kid, bobbing his head, you remembered one friend said: ‘He was at his best when he was with you.’ You stared at another picture of him and you at the beach. You were smiling at the camera, wide-eyed. But his eyes were half-closed, looking at you, his face too near yours. It was as if he was brushing his lips lightly on your cheeks and smelling your sun-kissed skin. You remembered another friend said: ‘You seem blissfully happy.’ You admitted, yes, you were. And you are confused, too, as to how the relationship went wrong. Or you just refuse to believe that it did somewhere along the way.
You said you needed a little time
For my mistakes,
It’s funny how you used that time
To have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn’t see you out at the movies
Whatcha doin’ to me,
You’re takin’ him where we used to go,
Now if you’re tryin’ to break my heart,
It’s working ’cause you know that…
You realized that if the relationship did not really fuck up, then, you should still be together. He should not have broken up with you with the reason that ‘there is a thin line between love and bondage.’ He should not have hurt you when he said ‘I choose her.’ And then you started to get mad, because he committed to someone else, other than you. You thought he just wanted to be free for a while. But it turned out he just wanted out to replace you. You were angry, because he has moved on too soon. You thought that it was easier for him than it was for you. You thought he did not value the relationship as much as you did. You felt everything was unfair. Fuck destiny!
I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It’s getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!
You fought hard, but lost. You just lost yourself. You gave it all, but it was of no use. You really fell in love. In fact, you fell flat on your face. You just lost hope in relationships. Your past has made you feel traumatized, distrustful, cautious, and uninterested. You have remained single, because you are better off alone. You have not loved again, because whenever you see him online, some questions keep bugging you. But you never asked. You refused to know. You chose to leave them unanswered. Why ask when he has already found her?
That should be me,
Holding your hand,
That should be me,
Oh makin you laugh, oh baby,
That should be me,
(that should be me givin’ you flowers)
That should be me,
Talking by hours, that should be me, that should be me,
that should be me
Then, you stopped thinking about him, her, and you. You have focused on only you. You get up in the morning, eat, go to work, eat again, go home, eat again, and sleep. You go out when friends invite you. You sometimes stay late at night when you find something to read or when you feel like writing on your blog. You live. You feel good with your simple and routinary life.
Then, one morning, you received an email from someone who is very important in his life that says: ‘Thank you for still considering me a friend even though you already broke up. I wish it would have been different.’ The last line puzzled you. I wish it would have been different. Your wish. Your long gone and forgotten wish. Your wish articulated by somebody else made you feel awkward. And then you brushed it off and tweeted: ‘Things aren’t the way we want them to be, still, I’m glad.’ You really have to end it with optimism, because you don’t know any other way.
Never should’ve let you go,
I never should’ve let you go,
That should be me
Never should’ve let you go
That should be me…
My colorless green ideas 